A few hundred dollars later...

With a new processor (Athlon Sempron), a new motherboard (some generic board with a VIA chipset), and one new stick of RAM, I'm back in business.
On the plus side, I can now write my essays. On the minus side, my computer now has only 1G of RAM instead of 2G since there are only 2 RAM slots.

Also, I hate Fry's.
Fry's sales rep: We'll install the motherboard into your existing computer for $69.99 and the processor for $29.99
My thoughts: That's sort of expensive, but it'll be faster than open-heart surgery on my kitchen table, and maybe if they're really good they'll organize the cables for air flow, know where all the case connectors plug in for the external USB ports, and I can return it on the spot if it doesn't work.
Fry's installation guy, after I drive home to get my box and bring it back to Fry's: This is my first day...I'm not really sure if covers plugging in your existing components.
My thoughts: Well WTF does it cover then, screwing in the MB?!

Fry's sales rep: You'll have to wait in line to get it installed
My thoughts: Well, 30 minutes in line isn't really a big deal
Fry's installation guy: You have to leave it overnight. Or for $65.00 extra, we can turn it around in 6 hours
My thoughts: How can it possibly take 6 hours to install a motherboard? Do you really have a 6-hour backlog of other customers who were gullible enough to pay for this?

Fry's sales rep: Yeah, you can watch them do the installation
My thoughts: Good, even if the guy makes some mistakes at least I can make sure he doesn't wipe my drives or something
Fry's installation guy: Watch the installation? I've never heard of anyone asking that.
My thoughts: That's because it's your first day, you fool!